December 2011
Rant.
I know that conflict with parents is a very common thing and my conflicts with my mother are pretty standard, but she seriously drives me crazy. She gets so butt hurt so easily and then tries to make me feel horrible for it. She is worse than a petulant child that I have to constantly be watching out for. My mother has sacrificed a lot for me and done a lot for me, I see that and acknowledge that. I respect what she has done, but what she does not acknowledge or see is how much I have given up for her, my father, and even my sister. It is all about her own suffering in her life, she sees mine, yes, but merely a fraction of it.
It is kind of sad that I cannot tell my mum that I am dating someone that makes me feel happy again after I thought I could not feel happy since my heart was demolished by someone we both loved. She sees it all as my fault and she will not open up and be happy simply for the fact that I am happy. Who knows? This relationship may or may not last, but what is sad is that it is not enough for her that I am happy. I told her over Thanksgiving break that her own idea of happiness meant more to her than my actual happiness. She could not really respond to that because she knew I was right, even if she will never accept it. She is selfish. She wants me to marry a nice little Christian Korean boy that she approves of. Too bad I tried that and he left because he claimed the advancement of his path to God meant I could not be a part of it, yet he has not changed his ways or himself at all. Cool. And his family hated me, add that, but she did not see that. And sorry for any Korean guys reading this, but really, most of them are mommy’s boys who think their shit is golden because of how asian mums tend to raise their sons. Most nice little Christian Korean boys I know are fake, self-centered, whiny, selfish, poor excuses for men because they do not have their own opinions and often times, I have more courage in a single day than they do for the majority of their lives. Not all, I put the disclaimer of “most” there, but really.
And do not get me started on just how much she bashes me about my weight and looks, my appearance in general. I am never skinny enough. My skin is never clear enough. My hair is never good enough. My clothes are never good enough. I am always too fat, there is always a blemish she sees, she tells me not to buy more clothes, but complains about the ones I have, she told me no makeup growing up, but now that she sees my 15-year-old cousin and my 31-year-old cousin [I basically the only girl in the middle of them, beside my sister, who my mum has already given up on when it comes to being “girly”] with makeup on all of the time, shecomplains about how I do not wear more makeup. The most I wear is mascara, unless there is an occasion. Then when I do do my makeup for an occasion, she complains about that, too.
To add, she is always jumping to conclusions and accusing me of things. She will never ask nicely or bring it up in a conversation nicely. No. She accuses me of something and does not listen to me, even if I am telling the truth. She just yells. And she will not let it go, she continues to talk about it just loud enough for me to hear and goes on and on and drives me insane. And honestly, I can only take so much of that plus all the other shit combined. She continues to act all bitchy and haughty for the longest time, then she tries to act all sweet like nothing happened. Honestly, I get why my sister cut her out for so long.
Despite all of this, I try to be nice, understanding, keep my temper in check and make her see reason and understand where I am coming from. I do not drink excessively, I do not go out and party and black out all of the time, I do not do drugs, I do not sleep around, I do not get in trouble, I try not to ask for money if I can help it, I try not to make her feel bad for the things she cannot help, I try. She does not get that she lucked out and that I am not a bad kid. She just expects me to be a screw up and often times treats me as such. She will just never get that it hurts and it is difficult for me. Even though she is a bitch most of the time, she is my mum and I want her to like who I love, I want her to be okay with who I am, to accept it and let it go. I want her to stop using me as her last chance of her idea of happiness since my sister let her down on that one, too. I want her to just let me be happy.
In conclusion, I cannot do anything right. So why do I bother?
Day 3.
3. What are you most afraid of?
What am I most afraid of…Like any other human being I have plenty of fears. I would not be able to really choose a prominent one. However, for the sake of the question, I will say a pretty obvious, but applicable one. Failure. But I do my best to stay away from failing.