I know that conflict with parents is a very common thing and my conflicts with my mother are pretty standard, but she seriously drives me crazy. She gets so butt hurt so easily and then tries to make me feel horrible for it. She is worse than a petulant child that I have to constantly be watching out for. My mother has sacrificed a lot for me and done a lot for me, I see that and acknowledge that. I respect what she has done, but what she does not acknowledge or see is how much I have given up for her, my father, and even my sister. It is all about her own suffering in her life, she sees mine, yes, but merely a fraction of it.
It is kind of sad that I cannot tell my mum that I am dating someone that makes me feel happy again after I thought I could not feel happy since my heart was demolished by someone we both loved. She sees it all as my fault and she will not open up and be happy simply for the fact that I am happy. Who knows? This relationship may or may not last, but what is sad is that it is not enough for her that I am happy. I told her over Thanksgiving break that her own idea of happiness meant more to her than my actual happiness. She could not really respond to that because she knew I was right, even if she will never accept it. She is selfish. She wants me to marry a nice little Christian Korean boy that she approves of. Too bad I tried that and he left because he claimed the advancement of his path to God meant I could not be a part of it, yet he has not changed his ways or himself at all. Cool. And his family hated me, add that, but she did not see that. And sorry for any Korean guys reading this, but really, most of them are mommy’s boys who think their shit is golden because of how asian mums tend to raise their sons. Most nice little Christian Korean boys I know are fake, self-centered, whiny, selfish, poor excuses for men because they do not have their own opinions and often times, I have more courage in a single day than they do for the majority of their lives. Not all, I put the disclaimer of “most” there, but really.
And do not get me started on just how much she bashes me about my weight and looks, my appearance in general. I am never skinny enough. My skin is never clear enough. My hair is never good enough. My clothes are never good enough. I am always too fat, there is always a blemish she sees, she tells me not to buy more clothes, but complains about the ones I have, she told me no makeup growing up, but now that she sees my 15-year-old cousin and my 31-year-old cousin [I basically the only girl in the middle of them, beside my sister, who my mum has already given up on when it comes to being “girly”] with makeup on all of the time, shecomplains about how I do not wear more makeup. The most I wear is mascara, unless there is an occasion. Then when I do do my makeup for an occasion, she complains about that, too.
To add, she is always jumping to conclusions and accusing me of things. She will never ask nicely or bring it up in a conversation nicely. No. She accuses me of something and does not listen to me, even if I am telling the truth. She just yells. And she will not let it go, she continues to talk about it just loud enough for me to hear and goes on and on and drives me insane. And honestly, I can only take so much of that plus all the other shit combined. She continues to act all bitchy and haughty for the longest time, then she tries to act all sweet like nothing happened. Honestly, I get why my sister cut her out for so long.
Despite all of this, I try to be nice, understanding, keep my temper in check and make her see reason and understand where I am coming from. I do not drink excessively, I do not go out and party and black out all of the time, I do not do drugs, I do not sleep around, I do not get in trouble, I try not to ask for money if I can help it, I try not to make her feel bad for the things she cannot help, I try. She does not get that she lucked out and that I am not a bad kid. She just expects me to be a screw up and often times treats me as such. She will just never get that it hurts and it is difficult for me. Even though she is a bitch most of the time, she is my mum and I want her to like who I love, I want her to be okay with who I am, to accept it and let it go. I want her to stop using me as her last chance of her idea of happiness since my sister let her down on that one, too. I want her to just let me be happy.
In conclusion, I cannot do anything right. So why do I bother?
What am I most afraid of…Like any other human being I have plenty of fears. I would not be able to really choose a prominent one. However, for the sake of the question, I will say a pretty obvious, but applicable one. Failure. But I do my best to stay away from failing.
1. Consider the source. If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.
2. Get off the couch. If you find yourself playing hard to get, don’t pretend to be busy. Just be busy.
3. Don’t waste your time. If you have to play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.
4. When in doubt, shut up. Silence is a smart negotiation tactic, the best option when you’re processing how to respond, and always more productive than lying about what you’re thinking.
5. Don’t complain. Maybe venting makes you feel better, but letting off steam can also lull you into maintaining the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo is pissing you off, which is why you’re whining in the first place. If you’re frustrated, turn that energy toward fixing your problems, not bitching about them.
6. Don’t obsess. Worrying is complaint’s ugly cousin. Either use that energy to change your situation, or relax.
7. Find an age-appropriate style. No one wants to see a 20 year old in beige slacks and a wool blazer. Buy trendy clothes, wear the slutty dress, do something ugly with your hair. Be part of your generation, so you can laugh at the photos later.
8. Be polite. It keeps doors open, lessens the potential for misunderstandings, and increases the odds of getting invited back to the beach house.
9. But defend your boundaries. When someone isn’t taking no for an answer, clarify what you want, and then respond forcefully. Being polite to someone who isn’t hearing you is naive.
10. You look good. There’s no such thing as the hottest person in the room. Everyone is attracted to something different, so just take those odds and run with them.
11. Being nice is overrated. In fact, “nice” is the least interesting thing someone can say about you.
12. Keep it to yourself. “She seems nice” is an excellent thing to say about someone you don’t like. Particularly in the company of people you don’t know.
13. Know your audience. When you’re telling a story and someone interrupts you, let them.
14. Let your passion shape your profession. You know that thing your dad says? “If work wasn’t hard, they wouldn’t pay you to do it.” Please. There are professional rock stars, astronauts, puppy trainers, and bloggers.
15. Sex is personal. Don’t bother with one-night stands if they’re not your thing, and don’t judge people for enjoying them (or not). Waiting to sleep with someone doesn’t make you an uptight prude, and jumping into bed doesn’t make you a spontaneous adventure seeker.
16. Focus. The saying, “what you’re thinking about is what you’re becoming” isn’t just chilling, it’s a universal law. Be aware of how you’re investing your attention – including your words, and your actions.
17. Cut yourself a break. Don’t offer a running commentary on your own faults. When you do, the people around you listen. Give yourself space to change your character.
18. Don’t be intimidated. World travelers are just people who bought plane tickets. Pulitzer Prize winners are people who sit alone and write. You can break the most profound accomplishment down to a series of mundane tasks.
19. Choose good company. Ask yourself if a person makes you better or drains your life force. If the answer is B, you’re busy next time they call. And the time after that.
20. Enjoy your body. Odds are you’re more beautiful now than you will be again. Ask your roommate.